To Carry This Weight
by Viceroy Elf
Summary: The weight on my shoulders will all too soon become to great. However, despite having never held out hope that another would help me to bare this pressure, one continues to reach out. (Chapter 4 epilogue it out)
1. Chapter 1

**Another anime one. Even though no one else watched it, I really liked SNAFU. So I wrote something about it. This is a three parter, and maybe a bonus epilogue if responses are positive. Please review.**

"_ugh. You really are the worst kind of person."_

This feeling.

This pain in my chest.

I want to say it's unfamiliar; that it's something I've never experienced before.

But even I can't lie to myself like that.

This is guilt. The guilt I feel for the words I have said, and the sadness I have for everyone despising me.

Rather, that is what it would be to a normal person.

For someone who has felt the pain of rejection and guilt for his actions as much as I have, this all accumulates to something more trivial.

More weight.

I bear the weight of isolation, being an observer, standing from outside the social hierarchy. I bear the weight of anger, from having been so unjustly rejected from my culture for so many years despite having done nothing to upset it. And now, I bear the sadness of having proved their belief of me as a cynical loner with no regard for the feelings of others; the burden of being a common enemy for which people to unite against.

I can no longer remember a time in which these things didn't burden me. I suppose I have simply excepted this as my niche in life; a load barer for others, a representative of what not to be.

With a heavy heart, I continue to walk the earth in the hopes that I will eventually no longer have to carry this weight.

I know that such a notion is not likely. As if to think that life changes so drastically after one completes one's adolescence. The truth is that I will likely bear this weight for the rest of my life. What angers me is that even though I know this, I maintain a feeling of hope and optimism, things I have criticized so many before. Hope that I will one day have a rest from carrying this weight.

And I hate myself for it.

These are the thoughts that pass through my head as I make my way to what I personally refer to as a sanctioned prison sentence, but I suppose the politically correct term would be 'club meeting.'

Nearing the room, I notice Yui standing outside the door, appearing to have just exited. Though I make no sudden movements, she jumps when she notices me, and blushes as if I caught her doing something embarrassing.

"H-Hiki! Uh…" she stutters with her words, and a noticeable blush stains her face.

I want to tell her she doesn't have to be nervous around me. I don't want her to be. She's careful with what she says to me as if she cares about what I think of her. As if she considers my feelings. I know the reason for this, and that's what really bothers me.

I wave my hand in greeting. "Yui. What's up?" I ask. I always find myself surprised that I can interact with someone so casually.

"Yukinon, she said she couldn't come to the meeting today. Something about running errands."

"Hmm. I wouldn't think her to put anything above club duty."

"Yea, She's normally so adamant in tending to club duties."

She smiles admiringly as she speaks of Yukinoshita, and I try my best to hide a blush at the sight.

I turn away and begin walking, but I soon find her at my side.

"Hey, um…"

She's picking her words carefully again, and I can already tell what she intends to talk to me about.

"I'm not sorry." I say.

She jumps a little and looks at me in surprise.

"I'm sure you've already heard terrible rumors about what I said to Sagami. You probably want me to explain myself, justify my actions and tell the story in a way that doesn't make me look like such a bad guy. But regardless of how ludicrous whatever rumor you've heard, the point still stands that what I said to Sagami wasn't nice, and wasn't easy to hear. The only thing I can say in my defense is that what I said is what she needed to hear, and that I was the only one who was willing to say it."

She remains silent for a moment as we walk.

"I figured you'd say that." She says.

"You're a very… blunt person. Anyone with eyes can see that. But, I've been around you long enough to know that your being blunt is never done out of spite."

I look at her with mild surprise. Where is she going with this?

"You're not exactly sunshine and rainbows, but I know you're not a hateful person. You'd never simply berate someone for doing something you disapprove of. What you say, you say you know in the long-run, people need to hear it. It's your personal, albeit misguided, way of helping people. Keeping them from being dishonest with themselves."

"That's… an unexpectedly deep level of thought coming from you."

She smiles, before realization hits her, "What do you mean 'unexpectedly'?!"

She blushes and pouts as she looks at me, and I smile knowing she's already taken the compliment anyway.

"… Anyway, that's what I was going to ask you about before you interrupted. I wanted to know if you were okay."

I look at her incredulously, as if her train of thought got side-tracked at some point.

"I heard a few of the rumors about what must've happened. It's pretty easy to tell why they say you're the most hated guy in school."

"Please tell me you're going somewhere with this."

"I am, I am. I was just thinking, if a bunch of people who didn't even know me were saying such things, I would feel very hurt."

"… You don't have to wor-"

"Hiki, please. What you do… no matter how much you say it doesn't, I know it must put a burden on you. To be despised by those around you, for saying what no one else will. I know you hurt. But… I want you to know, you're not hated by everyone. Me, a-and Yukinon too, even if she won't say it, we care for you."

I continue to walk in silence.

Why does she do this? Why does she put so much value in me? I don't want to fall prey to kindness. I swore I would never let myself down such a path.

My mind returns to the night of the fireworks festival. She told me that our situation; our alleged friendship, would still exist regardless of whether or not the incident with her dog had occurred… I wonder how strongly she believes that to be true. And I wonder if I still disagree at all.

"Hiki, please say something…"

"Yiu… Thank you." That I can manage. I owe her at least that much.

We continue to walk in silence until reaching the school's exit.

"Uhm… I wonder h-how Yukinon's errands are going."

"Provided she doesn't run into any cats about her way, I can't imagine they're particularly difficult."

"Huh? Cats?"

"Yeah; she won't say, but I think she has a weakness for them."

Yui laughed at the notion, and I smiled.

This was… nice. I don't normally allow myself to feel at ease, especially not with Yui, but I felt an odd comfort in just walking with her.

However, it seems things are to take a turn for something not-so-comfortable.

Both Yui's and my phone alerted us that we had received a message.

"Yukinoshita: You're having dinner at my home tonight."


	2. Chapter 2

This situation was… the word most would use is 'unexpected'.

However, I would place it under the category of 'suspicious'.

For Yukinoshita to have invited anyone into her home was a few steps beyond 'out of the ordinary' and well into the area of 'bizarre'.

That taken into account, I wonder why I even agreed to come.

But, as soon as I do, I remember exactly why…

"_EEEEEEEEEEEE! HAHA! Yukinon invited me over for dinner!" Yui shouted._

"_It seems she invited both of us. Something must be terribly wrong."_

"_Hiki! You're so negative even about something like this? This means Yukinon might have finally warmed up to us!"_

"_As much as I would like to believe that, I think I'd rather remain in ambivalence on the subject."_

"_Eh?! You're not going?"_

"_I don't think-" _

_Yui looked up at me with big auburn eyes, pouting her lips and furrowing her brow. _

_Even I wouldn't say no to a face like that._

…

And that face is the reason why I was now putting on the nicest clothes I could find, and preparing to leave for Yukinoshita's home at seven in the evening.

Not often do I ponder how much my life has changed since being sentenced to the service club.

"Komachi! I'm going out for the evening! I left supper in the top shelf for you!"

"Ehh?!" As I expected, my little sister immediately ran up to me with an expression of astonishment.

"Did my brother actually suggest having plans for an evening? Oh, hurry, someone alert the news station! It's a miracle!"

"Yeah, yeah, this is a little out of the ordinary for me. I'm honestly just as surprised as you."

"Hmm. So, what's the occasion?"

"I was invited to dinner at Yukinoshita's, along with Yui."

"Ooh! So, which one are you gonna decide to go after, huh? You know, I can say without a doubt that that Yui girl has it bad for you."

My brow furrows and I can feel my face redden. "Aren't you too young to concerned with your brother's love life."

"Well if you're not going to concern yourself with it, someone has to! Besides…"

Komachi held a finger in front of my face and a sly grin appeared on her face.

"It's not nice to keep a girl waiting y'know!"

I was forced to watch as my little sister proudly cantered off to her room, content in her ability to leave me blushing and bothered.

This night was off to just a _wondrous_ start.

…

Yukinoshita's home wasn't too difficult to get to on bike, plus the night air was too cold for me to have worked up a sweat. However, things got considerably warmer when I saw Yui standing at the lift in Yukinoshita's apartment building.

She was… the word that comes to mind is beautiful.

Yui showed up in a red sleeveless, collared shirt that hugged her figure in ways I have difficulty describing, a ruffled, white skirt, and black stockings that reached her thighs.

I should've known she'd pull out all the stops for this.

I unfortunately continued to gawk long enough for Yui to notice me staring, and blush from embarrassment.

As soon as she looked at me, I flinched, ready to be slapped, but it never came.

"W-what are you staring at?..." she asked in a quiet, innocent tone that she only so rarely took on.

"Uh… I was j-just a little surprised you got here before me." I said as nonchalantly as I could manage.

What was this? I've seen pretty girls, beautiful, gorgeous even, and I've never been so flustered. Looks have never been so important to me.

So why does seeing this girl always reduce me to a blubbering, blushing wreck?

I know the reason. I won't say it, not to myself. But I know exactly what this is.

Something that I cannot allow myself to acknowledge.

"More importantly, why are you just standing there? I she not there or something?"

She jumped a little at the question.

"Oh! Well, I was waiting for you…" She spoke with her gaze lowered.

Damnit. She's doing it again. This girl… what is it that makes her care for me? It's not just about her dog anymore, so what?

"T-thanks. And, um… You look nice."

Her blush brightened substantially, and mine follows suit. "Y-You really think so? I really wanted to look nice. Since, you know, because we were going to Yukinon's and all! But, um, thank you!"

I press the buzzer and await a response, hoping for something to break the tension that had developed.

However, while I was expecting the monotonous voice of Yukinoshita, Yui and I were instead greeted with something much more terrifying.

"Hello!" Haruno Yukinoshita was the one who answered, eliciting a jump from both Yui and I.

"Uh, it's Yui and Hiki. We were invited for dinner." She responds nervously.

"Oh! You're here! I'll buzz you in, better hurry!"

Yui and I were brought up to Yukinoshita's flat, whereupon entering we were greeted by Yukinoshita with an almost solemn expression.

"Yukinon, we made it." Yui greeted.

"What exactly is your reason for inviting us, anyway." I didn't have to look to know that Yui was giving me a berating look for my asking, but it was a reasonable question.

"… It was Sister's idea."

Oh.

I see.

It suddenly became very clear why Yukinoshita wore such a sad expression.

We had arrived at the dinner table to find a lavishly set table decorated with a bountiful platter of various foods, all cooked by Haruno, something she boasted about far too much.

We had all started eating, and were engaged in idle conversation.

And by that I of course mean that Yui and Haruno were engaged in idle conversation.

"I am just so glad that I can for once share a meal with some of Yukino's friends!" Haruno's voice carried a cheery tone as always.

"Thanks for the food, Haruno. Everythings's really good." Yui said.

"Eh, you think so? I worked hard to make everything. I should really teach Yukino to cook some time." She glances at Yukinoshita, who continues to only look down at her plate and continue eating.

"Oh, come now, must you always be so cold, even with your friends here?"

Yukinoshita pointed directly at me. "He's not my friend."

It seems she still has enough energy to express her disapproval of my existence.

"At this point I wonder if you're just testing my patience." Which at this point was wearing rather thin.

"Honestly Yuki, you're never honest with yourself. With your attitude, you'll lose what few friends you have. You know when I was your age, I was not only class president…"

And at that point I knew exactly how the conversation would go.

Haruno would go on incessantly about her 'glory days' and talk to us like we were kids invited to a lecture by her.

Yui doesn't seem to appreciate it much either, having already to put up with Miura's putdowns.

But the one most bothered by this is Yukinoshita.

She doesn't show it, but this has a greater effect on her than anything. This happened every time Haruno started speaking in Yukinshita's presence, or even when brought up in conversation.

She wore this expression of aberration, as if acknowledging her sister's words as ultimate fact.

That Yukinoshita holds something in such high regard is odd enough, but it's simply not fair that the one thing she truly upheld makes her miserable.

I've seen this before, in the faces of many. People whose idols and mentors have disrespected them and abused the admiration they have for them.

And normally, I wouldn't care, but I made a promise.

"_Hikki, be sure to save Yukinon if she's ever in trouble, okay?"_

"Honestly, Yukino. You could really benefit from being a little more like me."

"… On the contrary, we're all very fortunate that she's not like you."

What was that Yui said? To say what no one else will?

"Eh… Hachiman, what do you mean?"

She's baffled. How predictable.

"I mean what I say. The less people like you there are, the better we all are."

"H-hachiman, i-if this is about all the poking I do about you and my sister, I would've hoped you could be a little more mature abo-"

"Believe me, this is about more than you, me, or Yukinoshita."

This won't be fun. This part is never fun.

"I imagine you'd like to dismiss what I'm saying as immature rants from an angry child. You probably like doing that with any kind of opposition to your 'omni-important agenda'. You're just never allowed to be wrong, are you? Everything you say just has to be upheld as ultimate, doesn't it? because that's the kind of person you are."

She doesn't speak. She's not even defending herself.

"It's not enough that you hold such a high position in the social hierarchy. It's not enough that you've done so much for yourself and for others. No matter how prestigious your status is, it kills you inside to know that there are so many others that hold the same status. You have to be a center figure in the lives of everyone you know. That's why you belittle and those around you, putting all others beneath you from the instant you meet them."

I don't have to look at them to know what faces they're making. Yui stares at me with sadness and confusion, wondering why this is the only way I can do this. Yukinoshita continues to look down at her food, not wanting this to happen, but unwilling to stop it.

Haruno's is the worst. It's the same look Sagami made on the roof. Her face contorts in shock and pain from that shell of ignorance protecting her from the realities of her life choices slowly falling to pieces around her.

I wish I knew some other way to do this. I wish I could help people without hurting them. Without being an enemy to oppose.

But I don't get to make that choice.

"If you don't believe me, you could always ask Yukinoshita."

She looks at her sister expectantly, hoping that she might act in her defense. Sadly this was not the case.

"You belittle her the most because she is the biggest threat to your self-imposed position of power. She doesn't need any high-end position in the social hierarchy to be an important figure in the lives others. She's achieved what you once had without trying nearly as hard, so you do everything you can to make her feel inferior to you. You've systematically conditioned your own sister to hate your very being."

I finish eating as silence fills the room.

"Thank you for the meal. It was all very good."

I leave the building.

I don't feel much like getting home too fast. I just walk with my bike rolling alongside me.

I wonder if I did any good with that. I want to say I don't know what compelled me to do this, but I know exactly why.

I could see that Yui and Yukinoshita were in pain.

There are two people that I care enough about to care about their well-being. They weren't family, they weren't loved ones, and yet I find myself concerned with their happiness.

What's happened to me?

My thoughts are interrupted as I find myself suddenly on the ground from having been shoved on the ground.

I turn to look at the culprits, not sure what to expect.

"You. You're the punk that made Sagami cry."

It's two kids from school. Kids I don't even know.

But I suppose I don't really have to know them to know why they are here.

I don't even bother to run from them, because I know I deserve every punch.


	3. Chapter 3

Ow…

Ow…

Ow…

Walking, moving in general, has become exceedingly difficult.

Why did the one with the skate board have to go so hard on my leg?

I can't even ride my bike without falling over.

Why… why am I like this?

…

I would never ask myself that question. I never have, and never should have to. I know who I am, and I've never had any problem with myself. I'm proud of who I am.

So why do I now hate myself?

I never asked to be this way. I remember all the times I had tried to be friends with others. I didn't leave others out; I tried to interact with all others as best as I could. It was as if by nothing other than the cruel hand of fate that I was harshly rejected by my peers, forced completely to the outskirts of the social hierarchy, no place to stay in a reality I am forced to live in.

I suppose I can only conclude this new feeling as one thing.

Even more weight.

However, with this I worry if this is finally the mass that will crush me. That my mind and heart will break from the pain that they had suffered for so long.

Only time will tell.

… It is seriously getting painful to walk now. I really hope I can get home before sunri-

"Eeh?! Hiki!"

I turn at the call. It's Yui, still addressing me by that far-too-familiar name.

She runs up to me, and seems… panicked.

"Hiki! What are you doing out so late?!"

"… Why are you here?"

"Komachi called me when you didn't come home. I've been looking for you."

Her eyes narrowed and she jumped.

"W-what happened to you?! Your face is bruised, and your nose is bleeding and… are you crying?"

Crying… I hadn't noticed until she pointed it out. I touched my eyes, and felt the moisture round them. How long it's been since I shed tears, I wonder. I wonder if it's the pain from getting beaten up that's caused this, or something deeper.

"… I'm fine. I just ran into some trouble." I resumed limping toward my home, when I felt a hand on my arm.

"Yo-You're coming to my house. It's much closer." Yui's tone was timid and reserved, and her face was bright red.

At her suggestion, my face began to redden as well.

This was going to be difficult.

We arrived at Yui's home which was, as she said, much closer from where she had found me than my home.

She gave me a cloth to get the blood of my face, and an icepack for my cheek. She invited me to her room, going so far as to let me rest my leg on her bed. Her room was about as girly as expected; plenty of frilly patterns and little stickers decorating her furniture. As I lay on her bed she sat across from me in her desk chair

"I can't believe those guys just beat you up like that. We'll have to talk to Hiratsuka-Sensei tomorrow." Yui said, handing me a cup of tea.

"I'd really prefer not to get that woman involved."

"Ehh?! We can't just let them get away with it! Look at you! They could've broken your leg!"

"It's fine. I doubt anything they could have done would've been worse than getting hit by a car."

As soon as I said that, Yui's eyes lowered.

"N-no, I didn't mean…"

"…Hachiman…"

She used my first name for the first time. Whatever she's about to say, it's going to be important.

"…When you saved my dog from the car crash, I didn't know what to think. I was just so shocked to have seen it happened. I watched the paramedics come and take you to the hospital, without even getting your name. I'd asked the doctor for your name, and I began asking everyone at school about you... Their responses were less than positive."

"Yui, please tell me you're going somewhere with this."

"I am; I am. Most people had no idea who you were, and the few who did know you didn't have many nice things to say. 'Outcast', 'Loner', and 'Weirdo' were the least hurtful. I also heard 'Fish eyed freak' and 'Know it all loser'. And it confused me. It didn't make sense for someone with such a reputation to have done what you did."

"Well, I'm sure most anyone would have done the same thing."

"Really? There were plenty of other people walking around at the time. None of them were willing to do what you did. They would've just watched it happen without one attempt to intervene. Even me. My dog was about to die, and I just stood and watched it run into the street. You were the only one who valued a creature's life like that, to have risked your life to save it. And I just couldn't understand how someone like that was hated or casted out by so many people. When I finally heard you were out of the hospital, I didn't know how to approach you. I couldn't even think of what to say. Finally meeting you didn't help either. You weren't the nicest person in the world, but you genuinely tried to help me. You helped me, and went on to help so many others. And it hurt to know that someone like that was looked down upon by so many others. And I didn't understand why you were so willing to help others, but let yourself be hated or ignored. I didn't understand how someone could live like that."

"Yui… I don't care what others think of me."

"Well… Well I do!"

There were many things I thought would never happen. Countless things I was sure I would never be allowed to experience.

One of these things had happened just now, as in an instant, Yui jumped onto her bed and pressed her lips to mine.

And, in that moment, despite being tired and in incredible pain, somehow, none of that mattered. It was as if, for the first time, life wasn't so simplistic and biased. Life was suddenly a mysterious and spontaneous venture. And though I had always reject such a notion, I found myself drowning in it. For a brief moment I was truly… happy. Happier than I'd ever been.

The feeling reverberated through my being as Yui's lips separated from mine.

"Hachiman… I don't like seeing you get hurt. Doesn't that mean anything to you? Do you at least care what I think?"

Yui spoke to me with tears in her eyes. I had to say something.

"You're right. It hurts to be ignored and casted out by those around you. It hurts to be the enemy so that others can come together out of mutual disrespect. It hurt, but I took it. I took it because I felt that my pain didn't matter in the grand scheme of things. That my feelings weren't important. That's why I was so quick to save your dog; because I believed that its life was more valuable than mine ever would be. And I was fine with that… until you showed me what it's like to have others show concern for you. Knowing that someone valued my life, it made me happy. But I didn't want to get used to it. I knew if I let myself get too comfortable with such a feeling, I wouldn't be able to handle it if I ever lost it. I rejected your companionship, and your attempts to care for me because I was afraid you would cast me aside like the others."

This girl. She had broken down the walls I had spent years putting up. She had broken my constitution, and at the same time, freed me from my pain.

I held her close to me and began to speak.

"Yui, please just tell me you care about me."

She held me back. "Of course. I care about you now. I'll care about you tomorrow and the day after too. I'll care about you for as long as I can. And if you ever feel like you don't matter, I want you to promise me you'll let me help."

"I promise."

Our faces flushed, with tears in our eyes, our lips met once more.


	4. Chapter 4

This is… strange.

The looks on people's faces were familiar, and yet entirely new at the same time. Little had changed in my life, and yet things were completely different.

And the astounding thing about it was that all this had come simply from the act of a girl's fingers intertwining with my own.

"I can't believe you got me to do this."

"Sorry. Couples Rule No. 1: Couples hold hands with each other."

Something tells me that there's no such thing as 'Couples Rules'.

"People are staring…"

"Oh, now what happened to 'I don't care what others think of me'?"

"Hmm…"

I would never admit this, but despite my protests, I was actually enjoying this, whatever it was. The whole concept of being with someone like this was entirely foreign to me, but I felt that if I had Yui leading me through it, it could prove to be… enjoyable.

Thoughts like this floated around in my head for the majority of the day. They were a nice distraction from the glares of what I assume to be jealousy and disgust. Though I didn't much care for Yui's more popular friends voicing their disapproval, but it was more than a little reassuring to hear.

She was truly an anomaly. It seemed the nothing could stop her from somehow being friends with everyone. No one was exempt from her kindness. The notion of such a person had often been something of fiction or tall tale; completely implausible. And yet, she stands before me, practically glittering. Kindness and acceptance was something I had never been accustomed to, and yet she offered such things to anyone she met.

I take more comfort than I'm willing to admit to know this person. In fact, I would wager that she's the most important person in my life. Of course, I would never say that aloud, but something told me she already knew.

The day continued normally enough after that, besides frequent _surprise _visits from Yui who would sneak up and kiss me.

I was never accustomed to receiving such affection before. I'm sure I don't have to tell you I was enjoying it.

It's a little uncomfortable, I must say. I feel as though I've made myself vulnerable; exposed myself. But, I feel I can trust Yui with this. Yui's the only person I can imagine showing this side of myself to. I feel like I can grow accustomed to this feeling; this sense of comfort.

Though the day would go by rather nicely, I knew in the back of my head that I would have to deal with an inevitable meeting.

That meeting took place that day in the Service Club room.

"… Hikigaya."

Yukinoshita entered the room. As usual, I couldn't get a reading from on her from her expression, but I could tell what she was going to talk to me about.

"About what you said…"

I was ready for whatever aberration she had for me.

"… As much as I would rather not say it, and as much as you don't deserve it, I want to thank you."

Her words were painful, b- wait, what?

"As much as it brings me joy to see you swallowing your pride like that, I really have to ask why."

Yukinoshita, in a rare moment of hesitance, gathered her words carefully.

"After you spoke, my sister, though upset, seemed to undergo an epiphany. She asked me if what you said about me was true. I didn't hate my sister, but you were right about what she's done to me. I had always felt beneath my sister. I could never do enough to make her treat me with respect. I felt like she hated me, and I suppose, in a way, I started to hate her. After your words, though, she looked at me in a way I'd never seen before. She cried and apologized to me for so long… like she'd never regretted anything more than this. For the first time, I felt like my sister was talking to me, rather than at me; like we were really a family for the first time. I think… I think I can have the kind of relationship I always wanted with my sister now. So, thank you."

"Y-you're welcome, I guess."

"Of course, I still can't be your friend."

"So I gathered."

Just as a comfortable silence settled over us, it was shattered to pieces by the arrival of another character.

"Hachi! Yukinon!"

Yui had entered the room and hugged my arm, appearing to have been in a hurry to get here.

"Sorry I'm late, I had to talk to a teacher for a bit, and it took longer than I expected."

"Hmmm… Hachi?" Yukinoshita asked.

Uh oh. I would have hoped she would reframe from calling me that in public. Of course, I wasn't too surprised that she didn't.

"Oh, Yukinon, I completely forgot to tell you! Hachi and I… well, the short version is, we're together now! Isn't that great?"

"Ohh, that is something."

Oh she's just having a field day with this.

"You had best keep an eye on him, Yui. You never know when another girl might steal him away."

"Ehh?! Yu-Yukinon, that's not funny!"

I had really hoped that my life wouldn't become a romantic comedy.

Now that it has, I'm not sure if I hate it as much as I thought I would.


End file.
